Monday, May 30, 2005

Descent into Hell-otherwise known as cleaning the storage rooms

not really sure how to start this one.....

Naturally in the spring there is the feeling of rebirth and often times the only way to spring forth fresh and new into the world is to shed the old. Our community is very strong on the three R's, REDUCE, REUSE and RECYCLE and although I'm pretty good on the first two (we reduce cause we can't afford not to and we reuse cause we can't afford not to)on the third r, "Recycle" we have become Masters!

What do you mean? That's not what they mean when they say that?

Okay so maybe we don't recycle it, we just horde it in the back rooms of our basement waiting for a time when loving item can be brought out and recycled!
Truth be told it really never makes it out of the basement again, unless it's purpose is to decorate my house for Fall, Halloween, Thanksgiving,Christmas or Easter..(thanks to Mom's downsizing for seasonal decor).

So the week started out like this....

Mom to DD#2: So spring pickup is next week in our area.
DD#2 to Mom: uhh huh?
Mom to DD#2: I was thinking maybe we should really clean out the basement this year so I don't spend the whole year griping (nice word for what I really do)about all the crap down there. Do you think you and your sister could help me out? I know that DH is gonna help.
DD#2 to Mom: Okay, we'll help not a problem!

Looking back, I'm positive that my poor loving daughter wishes she could take back her considerate willingness to join in.

Saturday morning arrives and after discussion over coffee it is decided that 11 plastic bins to store the decorations and other items that we absolutely need to keep must be purchased. Done, DH leaves for Wal-Mart immediately with DD#2 and soon return with the required storage containers. DH then disappears.

Mom to DD#1: Where the hell did he go?
DD#1 to Mom: I don't know?
Mom to DD#2: Do you know?
ever the peacekeeper
DD#2 to Mom: Mom relax, it's okay we will get this done!

OMG, I feel so guilty...I know that if I do what I really want to do, get the job done, then I probably won't be able to walk until Monday and chances are that will make me really fricking cranky! But...if I just sit back and delegate to these two wonderful kids of mine they will be here all damn afternoon!

Suddenly DH returns.

DH to Me: NFH gave me some 2x6's to replace the broken ones on the deck outside.
me: GLARING at DH!
DH to me (oblivious of glaring look): Pretty nice of them don't you think. (I'd fricking's the least they can do for me since I had to listen to their fricking music and crap all night!)
Me to DH: Please bring that bike upstairs to the garbage.
DH to ME: No, I'm not getting rid of that bike

Now this is where it gets totally out of control...We have many bikes in our household. One in fact for every person that can ride one. Some are very expensive (DH's) and some are not. The bike I am referring to is a frame only. It has no wheels. Really!, seriously not going anywhere! DH proceeds to tell me that he is not getting rid of the bike. He can fix it up and it will be worth something. My question is, to WHO? The damn thing has been in the basement since he started robbing parts off it to fix the bikes that actually do get used. Anyway, much to my chagrin, a veritable screaming match ensued. DD#1 sat quietly saying nothing...DD#2 stood at the top of the stairs waiting for the fireworks to stop. I proceeded to malign my poor husbands ability to remain focused on one project by reminding him of the many unfinished projects in our house. Didn't go over well!

DH decided to handle it by calling me sergeant F*cking General and proceeded to lose focus on yet another project to begin moving the workbench from one side of the newly cleaned basement storage room to another. Which gave me further ammunition to scream absurd accusations at him.

So the DD's and the SFG (that's me) continued to get the basement reorganized, and man did we purge! I guess all that self help TV I watch put me in a good frame of mind because, wow, did we ever purge! Now all that crap goes out to the street for the Raiders of the night (garbage pickers) to have a go at! This year they are gonna love us!!

So after all that, there I sit in my nice clean basement watching a little TLC and doesn't DH come down the stairs with puppy dog eyes and my biggest vase filled with my favorite flower! He went to NFH's and raided their Lilac bush of all their lovely blooms because that's what he does best....give me reason to forgive him and laugh on our joint descent into hell!

Wednesday, May 25, 2005

Nurturing or Nuts?

Last night after I came home from an outstanding team victory in 9-Ball, I decided to check up on some of the blogs that I read on a regular basis and it got me thinking..... I think I am using the blog surfing as a way of seeking out people that I feel might benefit from an encouraging word or even just an acknowledgement that everything will be okay. Am I just a nurturer deep down or am I a NUT?

Do I really think these people want to hear from some perfect stranger that things will get better? I don't really know but I will continue doing this because I have faith that maybe some little piece of wisdom that I share from my very interesting and full life will make a small difference in someones life out there!

I have a great need to nurture. I don't know where it comes from but history shows that it is a huge part of who I am!

Over the years, I have taken in and nurtured many. My first husband was a man 10 years my senior (I was his 3rd wife, he's currently on wife #4). I was 18 and thought I could fix the poor uneducated bastard! I was young and looking for love in all the wrong places. That marraige ended and left me with 3 good things...2 wonderful babies and the opportunity to get to know my parents again. Once divorced it became obvious that I needed to finish high school and get some real education so that I could support the two little ones in my life. I remember my Dad saying to me when we were discussing how this was gonna happen financially..."I've been paying taxes all my life and I've paid way more in than you will ever collect out of the system, so you get out there do what you have to do and don't for one minute feel guilty about it!" That was an extremely touching moment in my history with him! I went back to high school, graduated and applied to college for a degree in Finance. While in school, I met another uneducated dumbass. I was drawn to him totally because of his fabulous European looks and his extremely sexy nature. He was a "bad boy" that once again I thought I could fix. From him, I got 3 things as well...One beautiful little girl, an opportunity to be even closer to my parents (emotionally and in proximity) and the lesson that there would be "No more uneducated people in my life! I need more to keep me stimulated in a marraige than just good looks and the need to nurture! Through all this there were some foster children that became a big part of our family, Sandy and Miranda became part of our lives for 3 years and to this day I think of them and wonder how they are. There were other kids that came into our lives but never for long and many have made more of an impact on our lives than those that were with us for long term (another blog maybe). There have been many pets, both strays and purchased. We've had homeless acquaintances with their children share our home for a time and we've had countless boarders who have rented a room of our home, even if they couldn't pay! Not all of these situations were good, in fact most of them were not! You really can't help someone that doesn't want to help themselves and some people need professional help! However, I tried and it seems that my need to nurture is a part of who I am!

Luckily for my daughters and for me, I met my current husband Rob and he has put his foot down on a few things. Funnily enough, Rob was a stray person that came into our life as a boarder (one that did pay) and while he was renting a room from us, he became a good friend to the girls and when he moved out I realized how much of a friend he was to me! Thankfully, he realized that our friendship had become so much more than just a landlady/roomer realtionship and we decided to explore things further. Within months it was a done deal and Rob and I had moved into something that has been happy and healty for all involved. He is my California Guy and I wouldn't trade him in for the world! Anyway, like I said Rob has put his foot more strays of any kind in our home!!! This has made my children very happy! They no longer have to share rooms or share their Mom to some stranger that seemingly needs her more than they do!

So, nurturing or nuts?.....probably a little/lot of both!
Sunday, May 22, 2005

Mom...You are the best and I love you!!!!!

Tonight, my Mom came for a Girl's night. Generally we try and have these once a year and we always have a very enjoyable evening. It's a time for Mom and I and the DD's to spend some real quality time getting caught up on shit that is happening in our lives...deeper stuff, not just the superficial day to day I love you's.

In the past we've always gone to Moms house because she had the hottub and we chose a night when Dad was away with the boys golfing or whatever it is they do when they get together. Mom and Dad downsized last year and bought a condo here and a place in Florida and the hot tub at the condo is only for 2. So this year with DH off drishing (drinking/fishing predominately drinking) we decided to do it at my house.

The evening started off with a bottle of wine and great conversation...I always love this time when we can open up and share tidbits of our inner thoughts, hopes and plans for the future. Mom brought some shrimp marinating in ceasar salad dressing and garlic and we threw them on skewers and on to the BBQ, a great appetizer to our dinner which was also cooking on the barby, a cedar plank salmon and some marinated zucchini. Served up with Jasmine Rice and we have one heck of a dinner. YUM YUM!

Mom had told me about a PBS show that she had taped and asked if she could bring it for us to watch together. I'm all about learning more about me and agreed. The tape she brought was by a lady named Christiane Northrup and basically she was talking about Mother/Daughter relationships and the legacy that this relationship leaves and how to heal it if needed. Definitely a must see for anyone that has a Mother or is a Mother...

My realtionship with my parents has not always been all rosy. We've had our challenges..or I've been challenging. I was a more complex child than my younger brother and I led the way, as most oldest children do, into the world of testing a parents resolve. I always felt out of place in the family home..I always felt that my younger sibling was more loved than I was. This was probably not true. My baby brother (7 years my junior) was a much easier child than I ever was..he learned very early to not do as his older sister did! His sweet easy disposition made it easy to like him. I was a challenge that made life a lot rockier. In my defense I don't think that I was a bad kid...I was a hormonally imbalanced boy-crazy girl. My parents wanted to protect me from myself and I rebelled with a vengeance! Looking back I understand this. It has taken me many years to get to that place of understanding. To know that it was out of love that they used extreme measures of discipline (and yes I still think they were extreme!). I was growing up in the years when Tough Love was thought to be the answer to everything.

Christiane Northrup spoke about a number of things in this tape, but, I think the topic that touched me most was when she said we should ask for forgiveness and give forgiveness. Forgiving is very healing. My Mom said something after the tape that really took me back...she said that she had always hoped in her heart that I would realize and come to a better understanding when I had children of my own, that she did the best that she could with the tools that she had!

My dearest Mom, I do realize that and I understand that you raised me the best way you knew how!

As I entered into the world of parenting with my first baby girl, I promised her that she would never have to go through what I had gone through....looking back now I see that it was a promise that I would be unable to keep! Twelve months later her younger sister followed her into the world and there I was 20 years old making promises again that I wouldn't be able to keep. At 27, my youngest was born and I had, by then, realized that there was no sense making promises that I couldn't keep because I was finding out quickly that I couldn't protect my babies from everything in the world. I was realizing that I would have to let them venture into the world, make their mistakes and learn from them. Just as my Mother had done with me!

Now, as an adult I can look back and appreciate the tough job my folks had and enjoy the fact that we can be friends now after many years of self-exploration on my part.

I love our Girl's Nights, we always have a great time together. We share some great food, great conversation and wonderful laughs. This in itself is very healing.

I know that you will read this Mom, cause you always do! SO, I want you to know...

I love you very much and I thank you for all that you are!!!!
You truly are the best!!!!
Friday, May 20, 2005

Round is a Shape!

Dammit, Dammit, Dammit!

I hate being put in positions, besides looking in the mirror each morning, when I have to face the fact that I am FAT.

This morning I responded to a business invitation for an annual meeting followed by a customer appreciation thingy...dinner and boat cruise around the Toronto Harbour..sounds like fun right! I thought so! Anyway on the invite it asked you to respond by a certain date along with your shirt size. I responded in plenty of time and left out my shirt size. These large companies always give away VERY nice gifts!
One year it was a briefcase/bag type thing, another it was a really nice pen set. So begins the next email conversation.

Thank you very much for the invitation. I would be pleased to attend.
See you then.

Her response

Glad you can make it - please send me your shirt size.
Thanks, Susan

My response
hmmph...thought I could get away without doing that.... that a size? LOL

I don't know, these things never fit me anyway.

but seriously if you really want to would be something like a 3 or 4XL. if that's isn't available and it usually isn't in these promotional type things just make it an XL and I'll give it to hubby.

Thanks, Linda

Her response

Here's the story - the item we are speaking of is a wind jacket - I haven't seen all the sizes - but they are apparently equivalent to a golf shirt size (personally the one sample I tried on was not a generous sized example).
Ladies only goes to an XL and Mens to an XXL.
I certainly understand your frustration - I will set aside whichever choice you make. If the men's xxl is extremely generous I'll let you know.


My response


Could you set aside a Men's XXL for me and hell, since I'm doing WW maybe someday I'll fit in to it and be able to look back on this very embarrassing moment and laugh!


Oh well, another Jacket for DH (he'll love it, jacket fetish...totally a blog for another day) Good thing in this is the fact that with some advanced planning they can place me with skinny peeps on boat so we aren't travelling in circles!

Anyway, Happy Victoria Day weekend Canadians! To my friends in the jealous, be very jealous of our long weekend cause we will be of your Memorial Day Weekend on the 30th!!!
Thursday, May 19, 2005

Today's Horoscope

Today's Horoscope...
This is the right moment, Linda, to extricate yourself from relationships that you feel have seen their day. This won't be easy to do but you must. In both your professional and private life, you are too hesitant to get out of situations or obligations that are distasteful to you. You are afraid of hurting people or of making them mad. But, in the end, you are hurting yourself. Give more importance to your own needs, and follow your own path.
brought to you by

This must be true it came addressed to me, has my name in it and I think they must really know me.......

I mean really let's pick it apart and see.

a)"must extricate oneself from relationship that has seen it's day". Yup I know exactly what relationship they are talking's gotta be the one that I have with my vehicle. Truly the damn van has seen its day. The weather is getting nice and although DH spent hours spit shining it on the weekend it's just not shining like it used to! I am spending a lot of time fantasizing about owning a vehicle that was fashioned sometime in the 2000's. We all know that relationships are over when you can't help thinking about another vehicle that has all its working components.

b)"it won't be easy, but you must". True it won't be easy! I'm trying to figure out how much I can afford to pay each month to satisfy my fantasy! I hate the idea of having to make monthly payments on a vehicle again. The current vehicle has been payment free for at least 4 years. It won't be easy, but I must!

c)"hesitant about getting out of a relationship in both professional and private life"...not sure about this one..I mean lots of changed jobs and I am on relationship/marriage #3. Hmm, maybe it's not me! Then again, I would hate for "Dustbuster" to breakdown on me on the way home because she's been reading this blog and knows how I truly feel! Maybe I should just keep the van and swelter away this summer with no air conditioning and windows that don't work...No Dammit,You can only hide for so long until something has to go!

d)"afraid of hurting people or making them mad"..yup it was meant for me! I hate hurting people and I don't want anyone to be mad. But wait, do Chev Lumina "Dustbusters" have feelings? Who am I trying to kid...of course they do! I mean just this morning I was fantasizing about the 2005 Nissan Quest in front of me on the highway and "Dustbuster"'s signal light stopped working causing me to frighten the crap out of the poor Toyota I moved in front of with what seemed like no warning! I know I frightened them because of the hand signals that I got while merging on to the highway and trying to extricate the Toyota from the bumper it was attached to! Some are just so touchy!

Okay, well I think we proved that some horoscopes are written specifically for you and this one is MINE!

Off to fantasize about the cute little Chev Uplander pulling into the parking lot!

Have a great Thursday! TTYL
Wednesday, May 18, 2005

Daughters and Boys...ugh!

As a Mom to three daughters, I sometimes find it very difficult to mind my own business. I'm generally opinionated and outspoken and when it comes to my most important treasures, I find it hard to remember that God has only lent the blessed ones to me for a time. My job is to instill all the good things that a parent is supposed to.
I can honestly say that I have been blessed with 3 very level headed girls for the most part. That's really a good thing because my life in general has been very, hmmmm...let's say interesting (definately another blog there!)

In the world of romance both my girls have had some interesting experiences. The focus today will be DD#1.

DD#1's first serious venture into the world of boys and their stupidness was when she was about 15. Girls are not so smrt(sp) when they are 15. (God knows I wasn't!) DD#1 was in love with Phone Sex Boy(as he is now referred to) ! Poor DD turned her back and this idiot ran up our phone bill to the tune of $500 in 900# calls (greatfully,Ma Bell took those charges off our bill as I had thankfully requested a restriction on allowing those numbers from our phone) and then another $460 to some overseas number that you can't block. I approached Phone Sex Boy's dumbass parents about it and their only comment was "Oh Dear, he did it at your house too!" They never offered to pay for their precious sons sex calls and Phone Sex Boy was immediately banished from the house.
Thankfully, DD#1's ventures into boy world have been few and rarely has she felt the need to bring'em on in to the family fold. Recently DD#1 has started dating a very nice young man (he kind of looks like Matt Damon) and to date I refer to him as "Boy". Boy and DD#1 are experiencing the thrills of new romance. Although the two have known each other forever (since high school)this new experience is very exciting for both. They spend every waking moment possible together and when they are not together, I can see DD#1's eyes looking up to the heavens dreamily thinking of her "Boy"

I think surgeons could have a first by attaching these two at the hip, or the lips.
Boy and DD#1 have been coming to DH's softball games, but... DH doesn't think they have stopped gazing into each others eyes long enough to watch any of the game.
Herein lies the problem.....DH and I (actually more me) wanted to be sure that DD#1 maintained her individuality, her sense of self, that she remember her family obligations and her obligations to maintaining her friendships, while spending inordinate amounts of time with Boy. We wanted to ensure that she not lose herself or her friends for something so simple as a "boy". DD#1 tells us that she is happy, in fact ecstatic at her current situation and everything is fine. True, her main focus is on getting to know Boy and currently all she wants to do is revel in the time they have together. True enough,there has not been much time for them since DD just finished her 4th year of university. True that much of their relationship has been long distance and since her return they just can't get enough of each other!

So,if I mention it one more time she will have my permission to put me out of my misery by taking me to the local vet and having me put to sleep....permanently! She's right! I need to mind my own business and let my lovely SMART daughter live her life, experience her own feelings and should things go well, be there to encourage her in her happiness and if the proverbial shit hits the fan...pass her the windex and paper towels and lend a hand and heart to help clean it up! That's what Moms are for!

Should be easy right! Sure whatever!!!!
Tuesday, May 17, 2005

Blogger Wars

Goodness gracious me.....I'm surrounded by Blogger Wars. I think I've created a monster (you know who you are!). Nope never mind it wasn't me, I think it must just be human nature to want to compete in every dam possible venue out there! Especially for Dumbass Boys. I think, possibly my first mistake was telling my friends and family that I was beginning this foray into keeping a journal of sorts on line. It began as something quite inconspicuous. A place where I could go and vent and share to no one in particular. I told a few people and next thing you know everyone is chatting amongst themselves,commenting on each others blogs and even including my dam name in them (like I had something to do with it!!!) Hell I can't even open my mouth without everyone already knowing everything about me! This is going to make finding things to talk about very difficult. I will walk into a room and people will just snicker and say "There she is, that's the one I was telling you about..You know she said.........

What have I done??? LOL

Damn it's gonna be tough trying to keep up appearances when I write about whatever.
AHHH...What better way to keep up with friends and strangers...Hello!, I have made some very cool blog buddies (see links over there->) that make me smile,laugh my ass off, open my eyes to others views and see beauty and wonder or hurt and ugly...Some have made me cry in happiness and others in sadness to share their pain. It's a cool world out and I'm glad to be a part of it!!!

Saturday, May 14, 2005

To all who were waiting for results I apologize!

So good news...not MS. That's good isn't it. Sure, so what is it? Meh, who knows. More tests that will give more results and in the mean time we continue with the pain management. I can tell you that I was so relieved when I found out that I sat in the Dr.s office parking lot for what seemed like an eternity just balling my eyes out. They were tears of happiness I thought..but maybe not. I mean I'm not unhappy that it wasn't MS. It's just frustration that now we have to do more tests to find out what it isn't. And that folks is what my Dr. has promised....MORE fricking tests! I guess if it had been MS then we would have known, I could have continued my research and started treatment or whatever. See just feeling sorry for myself.
Time to appreciate the good things I have again! Time to take stock in the wonderful inventory of great things in my life and the list is long....
1.Wonderful "Pain in the ass" husband that I wouldn't trade in for anything in the world! (photo here would be good)
2. THREE FABULOUS Daughters (wish I knew how to insert photo here!!!)
3. Great Family (Mom, Dad, Brother, SIL, couple of really beautiful little nieces and FIL) (pictures might be good here)
4. Excellent Friends (handful of pictures eeeehh..frustration!!!!!)
5. Great house
6. Vehicle that starts when I need it too.

and the list could go on...

I feel much better!
Thursday, May 12, 2005

Ladies Night-for the whole enchiladas

It's Thursday and every Thursday the Ladies (term used very loosely) get together to defend our 2 time Canadian Ladies Eight Ball Champion title. It's always a great time! We have a great team and the core of our team has been together in one form or another for a number of years. We've laughed, cried, got married, divorced and we've even had a blessed addition of Hannah! Hannah is the beautiful daughter of Colleen, one of my fav's on the team. Hannah joined us last year for the North American Ladies Pool Championship in Vegas! Hannah was only 4 months old and Mom wasn't leaving her behind and we weren't going without Colleen. So we dragged the Nanny (lovingly what we called Daddy) with us to watch over our precious little mascott and she really was the hit of the week!
All the girls bring something special to the team. Our team name at home is "All Bust no Balls". When on the road, we are the Canadian Cue Tee's. I am the team captain, but not the best player on the team...I bring organization and decision making to the team and I was until this year the oldest member of the team and therefore most called me Mom. Colleen is the co-captain and being more skilled than I, she and Dawn another outstanding and longtime member of the team make most of the decisions about when to play who..or is that whom? Anyway Dawn and Colleen lead the team in both skill and the honour of being the longest standing members of the girls team, they let me join and I'm not sure how I ended up as captain but whatever. Both of them have different strengths and weakness and absolutely different personalities! Colleen is funny, loud and generally the sweetest most caring person (OMG I LOVE HER!) on the team and is known best for her chalk bowling or tossing depending on the mood! She has an outstanding ability to crush her opponents under pressure and has used it when necessary! Dawn is our anchor! Playing safe is her game and she can play safe like any pro when needed! Her game is strongest when in high level competition. Then comes Veronica, loud mouthed, opinionated and sometimes very crass Veronica! She is the best...says what's on her mind and couldn't give a flying f*ck if you like it or not. "V" as she is affectionately known plays a strong fast game and has kept us in there many times to move to a winning situation. She plays her game whether we agree or not! Hope is our next long standing member. She's been around since we moved from the mixed division to the all ladies division and has always been a consistant player. Last year in Vegas, Hope kept us in the money many times! Her good focus and great shot moved us along! Most recently we added Cathy, Cathy and I work together and we were looking to add a new low skill player to our team a couple of years ago and she agreed to play with us! Cathy helped get us to Vegas in a nailbiting match last year and she continues play with us to date. This year we added two newbies, Liza and Sherry...both are welcomed additions and add their own little personality traits to our team of "Bitches".
So we are coming to the end of our current season and up for grabs again is the opportunity for us to represent our division, our town, our country in Las Vegas, Nevada at the North American Ladies Pool championship for a third time. Our team has had this honour on two previous occasions. Both times we have fared relatively well. The first time we went down (2 years ago) we finished 9th out of 72 teams. Last year we went and finished 5th out of 65 Teams. That provided us with a ginormous trophy to bring home and stick in a place of honour at the pool hall we play out of! This year our goal is to go down and come back with the whole enchilada! Big Trophies and $10k US. In the past we have been the only Canadian Ladies Team. So tonight we play, we play hard and we play smart cause with only 5 weeks left every point counts! We'll keep you posted on how we do!
Monday, May 09, 2005

Ahhh, Mother's Day.....

A Happy Mother's Day to all Mom's out there! My kids make me feel like the most loved Mom in the world!

All three of the girls worked real hard on Friday and I came home to a clean home! The dining room had been emptied of all of DD#1 and DD#2's stuff from University and I could see the table (don't know where it all went, but will deal with that another time) The floors were shiny, the kitchen was immaculate and you could drink from every toilet in the house (if you wanted too)! OMG what a pleasure to come home to on a Friday evening after a very long week!!!! That my friends was the beginning of a very pleasant MDay weekend. This was followed by dinner with the 'rents. A lovely, scrumptious dinner and a great visit with my Mom and Dad. (they are seasonal (so Dad calls it) residents of Florida and just recently returned home) There was a lot to catch up on and conversation is always good and pleasant. Saturday was uneventful, covering a friends signs of aging (a little dab will do you, girl style if you know what I mean) a little entertainment with said friend and then off to pick up some special dinner stuff for MD and DD#2's BD (which is today btw, HAPPY B-DAY AIMEE!)
Out of the blue, while unloading the special bd dinner food, the NfH offered to lend me her car (the coveted 2005 Mustang) to use for the evening...Hell YA! How much fun was that! A break from the old jalopy...YIPPEE! So onward and upward we go with fab MD celebrations...still a clean house, going out for dinner again and windows that actually open! What more could a girl ask for?
Sunday morning: Homemade waffles and TH coffee at 11:15 (cause ya! that is what time I hauled my ass out of bed!) all lovingly made by DD#2. DH ball game at 1pm. First game of the season and they won! Great start to a new year. Back home to prepare for that wonderful combo MD/BD dinner. Presents for Mom....always a lot of fun! (but really girls you should NOT have!!!!) Great present...a Black and Decker Rice Cooker and 10 lbs of Basmati Rice! A fabulous dinner and all three DD's and the boys cleaned up the mess. HOW FUN IS THAT!

So what could top all that you ask....well a huge amount of love that always comes from the cherished offspring on every day of the week, not just Mother's Day!

And did I mention that we are having Basmati Rice for dinner tonight?
Saturday, May 07, 2005

Moments of Trepidation

I have been experiencing some true moments of trepidation!

Definition from trep·i·da·tion ( P ) Pronunciation Key (trp-dshn)n.
A state of alarm or dread; apprehension. See Synonyms at fear.
An involuntary trembling or quivering.

That's can only be described as this. In recent months, I have been going to see my family doctor and numerous other specialists to determine what the f*ck is the matter with me! I've never thought of myself as old, but when I turned 40 the old gelatinous mass I call my body started to fall apart! I've seen the endocronologist to see if the old thyroid is working, hmmph..not so much k, give us a pill...the neurosurgeon to figure out why I have excrutiating pain in my ass and legs after falling like an imbecile down a flight of stairs with the laundry in tow...hmmm...two herniated disks...okay no surgery, will handle with physio and pain meds. So far so good. Pain all over, tired all the time, feel like a mack truck hit it's constant..this leads my doctor to MRI's and various and sundry other tests. So what are we testing for? MS.
Multiple Sclerosis! My initial thought was numbness and that turned to fear and that led to further investigation of the disease and now since Ive had the MRI and other tests done the results are in and I have been summoned to the Doctor's office. RIGHT BACK TO FEAR! Why can't she just tell me the results. Maybe she wants to tell me it's all bad....but then maybe through all of this she want's to see the smile on this silly face when she tells me it's not that but some other none devastating life illness! I really don't get it, it's not fear for me but fear for my family and what this will do to them. The DD's will be constantly consumed with worry for their dear old Mama Dukes, the DH will be in overload consumed with how we will manage. The 'rent's will continue their quiet worry mode that they have always had for me..worry and let me know they love me but knowing that in the end there is little they can do.

This is my venting mode and truly I know that if the diagnosis is MS, I will deal with it and do what it takes to continue to live my life and with the love of all my family, friends and God. This too shall be okay!

So tomorrow is another day and Thursday will come quickly. I'll keep you posted.
Wednesday, May 04, 2005

Guilt is BAD!, self imposed guilt is worse!

It is my decided position today that guilt is bad! Bad for the heart, bad for the soul and bad for morale!

Generally, I'm used to people convincing me to do things, act a particular way or generally acquise to their concept of reality through guilt. I have been manipulated in this fashion by the best and have even made it my own method of manipulation on occasion.

"So?" you ask, "what's the big deal?" Everyone uses it and why should I be different. Good point I guess, except I believe there are different forms of guilt....there's the type a parent uses to get their kids to do something, the kind a kid uses to get their parents to behave in an acceptable manner or the kind of guilt a boss uses to get you to work over and above the call of duty....I think those are all standard and acceptable forms of guilt. You recognize that it's happening and realize that you have control on how it affects you? Do you feel bad for using it on your kids...hell no, not if you get the desired results. Do you bend to the childrens guilt and not kiss them in front of their friends after you have refused to drop them 4 blocks from school in order to save them from the shame of the old jalopy...ahhhh, depends on the day, maybe, maybe not....depends on what level of cost benefit you achieve by giving in to the guilt. I mean really somewhere this could be used to guilt them into something that you want later on....
Bosses, well different story there I's a balanced scorecard there, a quid pro quo type of deal...another what's in it for you cost benefit analysis may be required.

BUT.... Self imposed guilt! Who can fight that??? It' s the kind of feeling that can't be justified. It just won't go away until the situation is righted! (is that a good word, I dunno but it's the opposite of wronged isn't it?) For me I've maintained a pretty good method of using the guilt card with my husband, my kids and my employees. Never for one moment did I ever expect that I would be hit by this self imposed guilt thing! But here goes....For the last three years I have done what I needed, to get my two oldest DD's work for the summer. I've justified it by saying that the Girls are brilliant (and they are!) they are hard workers (again, they are and have proven it and been successfully asked back every year!) In this, their final years at University, a time where we initially determined that they should be getting positions for the summer that would provide them with valuable work experience in their fields, we decided to forgo the experience for something certain for the following reasons, DD # 1 going into a fifth year of University (got the Honours BSc) to obtain a degree in Education to become a teacher, so really need the money and the experience in said field will come during work experience in school. University is expensive! DD # 2, still really not sure what she wants to do, except finish Honours BSc and continue for Masters Degree. Again University is expensive so go with what you know. DD#1 was approached by her past boss (a co-worker in my office) to return to work for us again this summer and I approached my boss to see if there would be a need for DD#2 to return to work. Both were agreed upon and told their start date and it was even decided that a raise in salary would be in order! Bonus! Then the bombshell, OMG, suddenly the decision was made that there would be NO Summer Students! My fault? No! Do I feel guilty! ABSOLUTELY! So, add to the pressures of just being at that junction of your life the extreme pressures of having to find a decent job one week after every University Student in all of the world finishes and you have my enormous GUILT. Totally self imposed and very unbearable!
The thought consumes me!

DD#1 has managed to finish the Thesis this week and have a replacement job handed to her on a platter. A job in an office that pays about $3.00 more an hour than the job that was ripped out of her hand with my work...Good stuff you say! That should ease the guilt. Not so.....

My guilt is for DD#2. This is a kid that excels at all that she does! She works hard, she studies hard and she deserves to have many good things happen to her! It's been two weeks of pounding the pavement, doing internet searches and contacting every organization out there and still nothing. You can get her take on things at "Aimee Thinks"! I'm feeling so guilty and so frustrated for her. I can't help but think I should have left well enough alone and encouraged her to seek employment away from Mom !

I'm their Mom and I love my kids, I want only the best for them and this has been a real BUM deal!

Anyway, self imposed guilt sucks, even if you do understand that you have no control!

Monday, May 02, 2005

Potty Mouth Driver Mom

Today and many other days I might add,I proved to my two younger daughters that I am a little intolerant of bad drivers. In fact it could be said that I am alot intolerant. I personally thought that I was getting better as I aged. According to middle DD this is not so. Today, Aimee decided that I might have multiple personalities and one of them is Potty Mouth Driver Mom!

I guess I'm a little bit funny about driving and the rules and courtesies of the road. I believe that a) someone merging on to the highway has the right to do so and drivers that speed up, lock on to the bumper in front of them to block you from doing so are ignorant a**holes! b) that if you are making a left hand turn into the local McD's and there is a turning lane, you should move the hell over you Mcdonald's eating c*cksucker and get the hell out of my way! c)if I am in the slow lane of the highway then there is probably a reason....I'm going the speed limit dumbf*ck and you can pass me! d)if I am in the middle lane going 20 km's over the speed limit already and you don't fricking like it pass me jackoff! I really could go on and on! Maybe I do suffer from a little road rage, but I haven't followed anyone all the way to their parking spot just to scream at them for cutting me off in many years! I have learned that it is more ladylike and safe (you never can tell who might have a gun out there!) to name call and use the universal sign language in the privacy of my own vehicle. For this I have been renamed Potty Mouth Driver Mom! Ahhh, things could be worse I suppose!
Anyway this led me to doing some research on the web for interesting personality disorder tests and these are the results of the most recent one that's been going around.

You May Be a Bit Borderline ...

Your mood swings make a roller coaster look tame!

When you're up, you're a little bit crazy...

And when you're down, your whole world is crashing

Scary thing is, these moods can change by the minute!

May the road you travel always be clear of stupid*ss drivers!