Guilt is BAD!, self imposed guilt is worse!
It is my decided position today that guilt is bad! Bad for the heart, bad for the soul and bad for morale!
Generally, I'm used to people convincing me to do things, act a particular way or generally acquise to their concept of reality through guilt. I have been manipulated in this fashion by the best and have even made it my own method of manipulation on occasion.
"So?" you ask, "what's the big deal?" Everyone uses it and why should I be different. Good point I guess, except I believe there are different forms of guilt....there's the type a parent uses to get their kids to do something, the kind a kid uses to get their parents to behave in an acceptable manner or the kind of guilt a boss uses to get you to work over and above the call of duty....I think those are all standard and acceptable forms of guilt. You recognize that it's happening and realize that you have control on how it affects you? Do you feel bad for using it on your kids...hell no, not if you get the desired results. Do you bend to the childrens guilt and not kiss them in front of their friends after you have refused to drop them 4 blocks from school in order to save them from the shame of the old jalopy...ahhhh, depends on the day, maybe, maybe not....depends on what level of cost benefit you achieve by giving in to the guilt. I mean really somewhere this could be used to guilt them into something that you want later on....
Bosses, well different story there I guess...it's a balanced scorecard there, a quid pro quo type of deal...another what's in it for you cost benefit analysis may be required.
BUT.... Self imposed guilt! Who can fight that??? It' s the kind of feeling that can't be justified. It just won't go away until the situation is righted! (is that a good word, I dunno but it's the opposite of wronged isn't it?) For me I've maintained a pretty good method of using the guilt card with my husband, my kids and my employees. Never for one moment did I ever expect that I would be hit by this self imposed guilt thing! But here goes....For the last three years I have done what I needed, to get my two oldest DD's work for the summer. I've justified it by saying that the Girls are brilliant (and they are!) they are hard workers (again, they are and have proven it and been successfully asked back every year!) In this, their final years at University, a time where we initially determined that they should be getting positions for the summer that would provide them with valuable work experience in their fields, we decided to forgo the experience for something certain for the following reasons, DD # 1 going into a fifth year of University (got the Honours BSc) to obtain a degree in Education to become a teacher, so really need the money and the experience in said field will come during work experience in school. University is expensive! DD # 2, still really not sure what she wants to do, except finish Honours BSc and continue for Masters Degree. Again University is expensive so go with what you know. DD#1 was approached by her past boss (a co-worker in my office) to return to work for us again this summer and I approached my boss to see if there would be a need for DD#2 to return to work. Both were agreed upon and told their start date and it was even decided that a raise in salary would be in order! Bonus! Then the bombshell, OMG, suddenly the decision was made that there would be NO Summer Students! My fault? No! Do I feel guilty! ABSOLUTELY! So, add to the pressures of just being at that junction of your life the extreme pressures of having to find a decent job one week after every University Student in all of the world finishes and you have my enormous GUILT. Totally self imposed and very unbearable!
The thought consumes me!
DD#1 has managed to finish the Thesis this week and have a replacement job handed to her on a platter. A job in an office that pays about $3.00 more an hour than the job that was ripped out of her hand with my work...Good stuff you say! That should ease the guilt. Not so.....
My guilt is for DD#2. This is a kid that excels at all that she does! She works hard, she studies hard and she deserves to have many good things happen to her! It's been two weeks of pounding the pavement, doing internet searches and contacting every organization out there and still nothing. You can get her take on things at "Aimee Thinks"! I'm feeling so guilty and so frustrated for her. I can't help but think I should have left well enough alone and encouraged her to seek employment away from Mom !
I'm their Mom and I love my kids, I want only the best for them and this has been a real BUM deal!
Anyway, self imposed guilt sucks, even if you do understand that you have no control!
TTYL
Generally, I'm used to people convincing me to do things, act a particular way or generally acquise to their concept of reality through guilt. I have been manipulated in this fashion by the best and have even made it my own method of manipulation on occasion.
"So?" you ask, "what's the big deal?" Everyone uses it and why should I be different. Good point I guess, except I believe there are different forms of guilt....there's the type a parent uses to get their kids to do something, the kind a kid uses to get their parents to behave in an acceptable manner or the kind of guilt a boss uses to get you to work over and above the call of duty....I think those are all standard and acceptable forms of guilt. You recognize that it's happening and realize that you have control on how it affects you? Do you feel bad for using it on your kids...hell no, not if you get the desired results. Do you bend to the childrens guilt and not kiss them in front of their friends after you have refused to drop them 4 blocks from school in order to save them from the shame of the old jalopy...ahhhh, depends on the day, maybe, maybe not....depends on what level of cost benefit you achieve by giving in to the guilt. I mean really somewhere this could be used to guilt them into something that you want later on....
Bosses, well different story there I guess...it's a balanced scorecard there, a quid pro quo type of deal...another what's in it for you cost benefit analysis may be required.
BUT.... Self imposed guilt! Who can fight that??? It' s the kind of feeling that can't be justified. It just won't go away until the situation is righted! (is that a good word, I dunno but it's the opposite of wronged isn't it?) For me I've maintained a pretty good method of using the guilt card with my husband, my kids and my employees. Never for one moment did I ever expect that I would be hit by this self imposed guilt thing! But here goes....For the last three years I have done what I needed, to get my two oldest DD's work for the summer. I've justified it by saying that the Girls are brilliant (and they are!) they are hard workers (again, they are and have proven it and been successfully asked back every year!) In this, their final years at University, a time where we initially determined that they should be getting positions for the summer that would provide them with valuable work experience in their fields, we decided to forgo the experience for something certain for the following reasons, DD # 1 going into a fifth year of University (got the Honours BSc) to obtain a degree in Education to become a teacher, so really need the money and the experience in said field will come during work experience in school. University is expensive! DD # 2, still really not sure what she wants to do, except finish Honours BSc and continue for Masters Degree. Again University is expensive so go with what you know. DD#1 was approached by her past boss (a co-worker in my office) to return to work for us again this summer and I approached my boss to see if there would be a need for DD#2 to return to work. Both were agreed upon and told their start date and it was even decided that a raise in salary would be in order! Bonus! Then the bombshell, OMG, suddenly the decision was made that there would be NO Summer Students! My fault? No! Do I feel guilty! ABSOLUTELY! So, add to the pressures of just being at that junction of your life the extreme pressures of having to find a decent job one week after every University Student in all of the world finishes and you have my enormous GUILT. Totally self imposed and very unbearable!
The thought consumes me!
DD#1 has managed to finish the Thesis this week and have a replacement job handed to her on a platter. A job in an office that pays about $3.00 more an hour than the job that was ripped out of her hand with my work...Good stuff you say! That should ease the guilt. Not so.....
My guilt is for DD#2. This is a kid that excels at all that she does! She works hard, she studies hard and she deserves to have many good things happen to her! It's been two weeks of pounding the pavement, doing internet searches and contacting every organization out there and still nothing. You can get her take on things at "Aimee Thinks"! I'm feeling so guilty and so frustrated for her. I can't help but think I should have left well enough alone and encouraged her to seek employment away from Mom !
I'm their Mom and I love my kids, I want only the best for them and this has been a real BUM deal!
Anyway, self imposed guilt sucks, even if you do understand that you have no control!
TTYL
posted by Anonymous at 4:35 pm
1 Comments:
Hello Linda, thank you for stopping by/revealing yourself to me, lol. I can relate to this post very well. Guilt is an abhorrant emotion, and should only be used as a stepping stone to action. Don't waste time with guilt, it gets you nowhere, do whatever is necessary to eradicate it from your life. I know.... easier said than done, lol.
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