50 is just a number after all.....isn't it?

I am quickly approaching my 50th birthday.  To be honest, until this last year I never really gave much thought to what it would feel like to be 50 years old.

I know it's considered a special birthday because my children are quietly planning some kind of celebration that includes people outside of the family and this has never happened before.  Our birthdays generally are celebrated with our much loved family in the form of the birthday person's favorite meal and modest gifts. 

Another reason I know it's a special one is because I got an extra special card this year in the mail from my Mom and Dad.  Enclosed in it was a very lovely 2 page letter that actually brought tears to my eyes.  There on those two pages were words that made my heart swell.  This letter reminded me that I will always be a little girl that needs and loves to hear how proud her parents are of her for her accomplishments.  That letter did that for me... it was pretty extensive in things that I could be proud of!  Things like my beautiful daughters and how well they have turned out (I had a part in that), in my wonderful loving husband that is truly my soulmate (he wouldn't admit it....but us being together..that was all my doing as well!), my grandson (I didn't really have anything to do with him except having his mom but he's so cute...we'll call him my achievement!) my successes in my work (all me!) and my friends (I can't take all the credit here cause some of them chose me!)   Put on paper it all reads like a really nice epitaph! LOL! 

So here, 6 days before my 50th birthday and hopefully continued into the future,  I have chosen to share with the world my hopes and fears for my future as a 1/2 centurian.   I want to reinforce in my life things like the importance of absorbing and treasuring moments in life, to be grateful for mistakes and flops because I think they often teach us more than our successes, to always share more, do more and love more. I will use this format to share my stories knowing that maybe nobody will read them and I'm okay with that!

So here is the first fear!!

I have a big fear that I will wake up next Tueday with 50 Penquins or some such thing on my front snowy yard and everyone in the neighbourhood will know the truth...that I am getting old.  I know...nobody really cares..... because nobody gets younger, getting old is in fact a fate that is shared by all!

Enough about fears...

It's thought that women in their 50's tend to be more confident and less concerned about what others think about them.  I hope that is true.  I could use some confidence. My hope will be that I always feel younger on the inside then I look on the outside.  Don't get me wrong...I also wish that I will always look younger on the outside than my birth certificate says I am!  Really though, I'm just saying... I hope I keep a firm spirit of integrity and work on growing the gift of forgiving.  I hope I always remember how to laugh and keep a sense of adventure and joy in living, even when things get hard. And above all, I pray that I never stray from the direction of doing good, and that I remember to swallow my pride and forgive, and finally that I always remember that a life without gratitude is an empty one.

50 is just a number....a pretty good number I think!

a little white paper can mean so much

I generally consider myself a nice person.  I don't usually wish harm on people, but if you cause me or my family harm...LOOK OUT! 

Now that I have qualified that I will share with you why I have been doing the happy dance since last Friday. 

I hated my neighbours.  I called them the neighbours from hell and I wished them gone 6 months after they moved in 12 years ago.  Over the years they had no respect for anyone in the Hood and seriously everyone in a one mile radius felt the same!   They started to party on Wednesday and partied until Sunday.  The music would blare and the addition of copious amounts of  alcohol and rude teenagers made them the most hated!  You must understand that this couple hated each other and with the addition of case upon case of beer and bottle upon bottle of whatever alcohol they drank the arguing got loud, ugly and heard all over the neighbourhood.

The year they bought the huge cottage in Muskoka was the best for us all!  They were away for most of the summer and we all got to enjoy our weekends!  They still partied and fought starting on Wednesday but somehow the fact that they packed it all in on Friday and went away just made it all that much more tolerable.  That was also the year that the toys started to appear, ATV's, a large fishing boat with all the gear, big ole snowblower....expensive toys.

The following year was not as quiet.  Apparently, the price of the toys and the cottage etc was kind of catching up and they decided that they would rent out their big ole cottage all summer and you can imagine what that meant to all of us....more parties, constant deliveries of alcohol and basic chaos again.

My wish for their financial ruin began that year!    In fact, I began to listen to their arguments with excitement, hoping that I would hear words like divorce, bankruptcy, repossession...words that would mean that things were coming to an end for them.  It didn't take long. 

After that summer the Muskoka cottage went up for sale, the boat and ATV's disappeared from the driveway.  Her Lincoln Escalade and his Ford 150 truck were replaced by a used van of some sort...it was the beginning of the end for them. 

Over the last year we had been hearing from various sources that things were financially not well with them...like we wouldn't have guessed that....all the fights in the garage were about money (or lack thereof) and suddenly last fall the sign went up on the front lawn...FOR SALE! 

So you would think that would make me happy right....nope.  I apparently am a vindictive BITCH.  I giggled everyday that I passed that house and it didn't say sold, I inwardly cheered when I saw the moving van pull into the driveway to take them to a faraway place never to be seen again and the sign still said FOR SALE!  Then the sign went away and the snow fell and melted and fell again and then it happened.....

Last Friday, I drove by the house and there it was an official looking white paper taped on the front door.  Could it be possible that the bank has repossessed the house?  I can only imagine if things were out of control before they moved...with rent and bills to pay they probably weren't keeping up the mortgage on that property.... I am too chicken to walk up to the front door to see what it says so I'm just gonna go ahead and do the "Happy Dance" and hope that we have a very quiet spring ahead and that the next people that move in are civil human beings that we can welcome to the Hood!

What happens when your husband becomes your best friend.....

Recently I got an email that suggested that a woman would be wise to ensure her relationships with her girlfriends were chosen wisely and maintained.  I wish that I had gotten that email when I was 30 years younger. 

I have always said I hate people....well it turns out that I really don't hate people...I am simply very judgemental and I make very quick decisions about the people I meet.   The psychic (couple of posts back) knew this about me.  She confirmed that as I get older I am a little more open to giving people more than one chance before I form an opinion, but my old way of snap judgement was and still is quite accurate.  I read people very well.   I would say that because of all of this I don't have very many friends.  I have a ton of acquaintances.  These are people that I have met through work, playing pool and just generally trying to be friendly in my everday life.  I take an interest in their life if they choose to share, I show interest when we meet but in reality they are simply just people I know. 

I have a handful of people that I call FRIEND.  These are people that I love and would give them my left tit if that's what they needed! (and I love my left tit, it has character!!)  Now here's where we have contradiction and the reason for my post. 

Over the years, Hubby has become my best friend. I can tell him anything, he accepts me for all my faults....he gets me but I miss spending time with girlfriends.

FB is a great social media but the one thing it does for people like me is make me feel left out sometimes.  I see my friends out with other girls (ladies that I also am acquainted with) having fun, laughing and wonder why they didn't think of including me.  It's true I don't reach out because I don't want to impose.  I have a huge fear of imposing on people and I'm thinking that it makes me stand offish perhaps!  I always think there must be some reason I wasn't included.  Now don't get me wrong....I spend time with my friends when they ask.  I just don't like to impose on them.   I offer that if they ever want to make plans they just call...my kids are all grown up, I can do stuff at a moments notice.   I wonder sometimes  if it's the 10+ year difference that I have with the woman I know or just that because we are in different places in our lives they just don't think to include me.   I'm not going to lie, it makes me sad to see the good times that are being had without me.  It makes me wonder at times how I fit into their lives.   Seriously it is my hope that it`s my own foolish insecurities that are tugging at my emotions today because last night I did something that is so outside of my character!

Last night I saw that a couple of my friends were going out with a lady that someday I hope to get to know well enough to consider a friend cause she's awesome.  I was overwhelmed with a sense of sadness.  It might have been because Hubby and I were arguing over stupid ass life stuff!  Anyway, although I was already in my pj's, I went out on a limb and said a prayer that one of my friends would see the sad little face I posted as a comment and invite me out.  The awesome lady that I hope to someday know well enough to call friend actually invited me to crash their little party.   My first reaction to her invite was to tell her I was in pj's and fighting with hubby so maybe not great company...I was having second thoughts that I had now imposed myself on these three ladies that had planned an evening out.  My insecurites kicked in...(insert take lorazepam here) Her reaction was to say I fit right in and come out.  I was really excited.  I got dressed and headed out to a very fun night.  We had such a good time giggling and acting like school girls!  We closed one restaurant and moved to another all night coffee place to chat some more.     It was a great time!  One that I hope to experience again!!

Hopefully I can get over my own insecurities and start to enhance the relationships I have with all the women in my life!

 

Learning How to Pray

I believe in God.  I believe that God answers prayer.  I believe that God has a purpose for me and it is my responsibility to sit quietly and listen for guidance.

I was baptized Catholic. I went to Catholic school and don't remember a thing I learned in cathecism.  As a family we never attended church.

My faith was born in my summer vacations spent with an Aunt that was strong in the basis of Christianity that she explored over the years in many different faiths.   I experienced the fire of the spirit at bible camps.  I experienced kindness and sense of goodness with my cousins that welcomed me into their lives each summer.  They shared their lives and their parents with me and made me feel welcome.

Mine is a quiet faith. I don't need to blast it to everyone I know.  Over the years I have not attended any church.  I have chosen to practice my faith quietly in my home, amongst my friends and family without them even knowing.  I have chosen to be the best mother, wife and friend I can be and that isn't always great but it is the best I can as a human.  I have made mistakes and I have hurt people sometimes without meaning to and other times on purpose in retaliation for a hurt they have bestowed upon me. I am human.

My prayers have always started with thanking God for all that I have been blessed with.  I have a wonderful husband, three beautiful daughters, a beautiful grandson, wonderful parents that are relatively healthy and a life that many would be envious of. 

In the last year I have found that I am learning how to pray with fervor while doing all the other things that life requires, like work and doing chores.  Some might call it multi-tasking....I call it reaching out to God for inner peace and healing.    My heart has been heavy with all of the things the people I love most in the world are going through.  My father went through some health issues that were so scary for both him and my Mom.  Dad thankfully pulled through without complication.     My Hubby and Children spent 4 weeks being scared for me and a brush with the Big C.   One friend has had to say goodbye to a child and another her spouse.  I have questioned God....Why, what is the purpose of bringing such enormous pain into these peoples lives?  WTF!  Yes, I'm human and it angers me....to this I ask for understanding.   I have cried so many tears for these folks in the quietness of the night.  I'm not a demonstrative person...in public I put on my big girl pants and do what needs to be done I support where I can and do what needs to be done.  Lend a hand and a shoulder.   

2013 has not started off well for me and my friends and family.   I have been experiencing some challenges with my current employment, my middle daughter is struggling to finish her PHd and my best friend is going through one of the most challenging life experiences ever.   I am learning to pray while working, playing, sleeping, eating, breathing and everything else that I do on a day to day basis.  I pray that I find understanding in God's plan for us all.  I pray for healing.  I pray for a MIRACLE!!!!

I am blessed.
Thank You God!

We went off to see the Psychic......

What seems like many moons ago a friend of Middle Daughter's asked us if we would be interested in seeing a psychic.    At the time it seemed like a fun way to spend a Saturday morning so we agreed.  Well, a few weeks ago Middle Daughter and I made our way over to an aquaintances house to meet with that psychic. We arrived about 10 minutes early and the lady we were supposed to see had yet to arrive.  Middle Daughter was a little concerned that the person that had set this up may have known the psychic and perhaps shared information about us giving her perspective on us and allowing the reading to seem more accurate.  Good psychics are difficult to find as you can imagine.  I have never known anything about the ones I see....it's always been arranged without investigation through a friend or neighbour. 
When the psychic arrived it became obvious that our acquaintance did not know this lady very well.  To us that was a good sign.  I was her first appointment.

Her name was Autumn Dawn, she professed to be the "Keeper of the Light"  Good thing cause my lapsed Catholic soul may have actually cringed a little if she had been the "Keeper of the Dark and all things that go bump in the night". 

We met in a small office on the second floor...window ready for me to be thrown out or perhaps throw her out if things got messy and she told me things I didn't want to hear!  I walked in, she asked my name and introduced herself and then she didn't shut up for a full 40 minutes.  She did my crystals, followed by channeling where she held my hands and spoke of my "lovely green and orange Aura"  (her words not mine) and then she went on to do the Tarot cards. 

She was AMAZING!!!  She told me my maternal grandmother was with me....she described her down to her tiny physique and her thick accent!  Many people know that my background is French but this lady would have no idea and neither did the aquaintance. 

She told me things about relationships that I have that she could not have known.  She told me things about my past and present that actually shocked me to squeeling out loud at one point in her very words truths.  She gave me guidance on some next steps that I should consider in some currently confusing matters. 

Autumn Dawn soothed my inner soul by confirming that my strong inner faith in my God was very clear in every bit of my being.  She could read that I didn't need a church or a priest or anyone to tell me what to believe or how to believe.   It was clear enough that I do!  That touched me deeply as I spend a great deal of my waking time doing what I call "praying" for friends and family.  I pray that they find inner peace to accept what is next on their road, that they find healing of the spirit and body, and most of all that they find what they need to have to make them truly fulfilled and happy.

Bottom line...7 Grandchildren!!  I will not bury my children and I will live to meet at least 2 of my great grandchildren! 

I am truly blessed!!!!