So bad thoughts can really come true.....

I called it...I knew it would happen and although I tried to be positive my worst thoughts came to fruition.  I think it's true that you can make shit happen in your head and your world cooperates!

Okay so what could be so bad you say...I only lost one f'ing pound that's what is bad!!  Seriously, in my head I get it the body is trying to hold on to what it has and is being stubborn but dammit all week with only water and shakes and one f'ing pound is all I lost!

Alright, I get that it's still one pound off and in my head I understand that makes 14lbs in 3 weeks...but seriously I came to realize that scale losses are a better motivation to keep moving forward than all that positive chit chat!   It has been a difficult week.  I have been fighting a cold or maybe allergies...whatever my body feels like shit.  All I've found myself doing is swearing and resenting that one pound loss.  I keep pushing through and never has one shake at a time meant more to me than this week!  

I'm not having a bad week....I'm having a character building week!  Let's hope that Wednesday's weigh in looks better than one pound!

21 seems like such a lucky number

21 days

WOW who would have known that I would get through 21 days of this program!

Still battling the fears of what that damn scale will read tonight.  It seems especially important because this has been the toughest last 3 days in all 21 and i really need something good to get me through the next 7 days.  This week I actually felt hungry and really had to convince myself that I could get through this!  What does this hunger mean...is my body adjusting to the new norm?  Will the weight stop coming off or slow to results that will discourage me?  

The reality of this is it's such an emotional process and I'm discovering things about myself that I don't like.  I wonder where this thinking comes from?    What makes me think that the result of all the years of not paying attention and gaining all this weight will be shed in the bottom of a shake?  

F*ck I hate this anxiety!  I hate that there are moments, hours, days that I feel out of control and unsure of how to get that control back.   Days that I'm tired and just want to hide from the world and not participate in anything!

14 Days and counting....

Okay so for this week my inner fears have been put to rest.  Another good week on the scale and some really interesting conversations around the table with my fellow Losers...(meant in a totally good way!)
Everyone is having their struggles and it's good to know that I'm not the only one and if something they talk about happens/or is felt by me...well, I will have some tools to deal with it potentially in my back pocket.  As in any environment with any group of diverse characters you know that there will be positive and negative and because I'm trying very hard to make this a positive journey (okay let's be honest...as positive as possible since let's be real it isn't really fun!) I'm being careful about where I sit and the relationships that may develop.  I feel like the best course of action is to listen, learn and walk away.

On another note...my Hubby is so supportive!  He is doing such a good job at taking care of his own needs that I know that if something happened to me he would be more than ok!  He plans, shops, cooks and cleans for all his meals!   He is allowing me to make this journey of mine all about me!!  Best Hubby EVER!!

This weekend we are celebrating Hubby and his role as "Dad" in the kids lives and our recent birthday boy, Daughter #2's fiance.  We will do it with a gathering of the clan and a BBQ.  It's how we celebrate each other, getting together, sharing and breaking bread!   In the last six months/year celebrations that include food have already been more challenging.  We've had a diagnosis of Celiacs and a couple of folks made a decision to clean up their diet and become Vegan.  Now I have added to that challenge and my girls in support of me are working to take away anything to do with shopping, meal prep or cooking for the event out of my hands.  It's a very kind gesture.  One that right now I really do appreciate, but let's be honest....I will have to step inside a grocery store and cook again someday!  For now, I'm taking this support and trying not to feel guilty about it! 

This weekend I will celebrate my family and their support with my shakes! 
Cheers!
TTYL, FatGirlFedUp

Hump Day....Weigh in Day

OMG this day is bringing so much stress and it's only week two! 


I have tried very hard to focus on the NSV's and yet still all that is on my mind is what the hell number will be on that scale!   

I can see this is going to be my struggle all along in this journey!   I keep telling myself that it is all the other stuff that matters but the reality is not quite caught up with that self talk.


I will keep you posted...
TTFN
FatGirlFedUp

Weekends, bloody Weekends

This weekend was a battle on many fronts! 


As is the norm in the month of June both of my pool teams were scheduled to play this weekend in competition for a trip to Vegas in August.   Sounds like fun..right!  Truly it was fun to laugh and compete with my both my Ladies team and my mixed team!  They are truly part of the things in life I love dearly and we always have so much fun together.  We have never succeeded in this format to make it to the end but we've played competitively and one day all the stars will align and we will get there.  This weekend was not really any different except that it was the first weekend "out in public" since I began my new journey for my health. 
Honestly, I can tell you that I have the best friends and acquaintances on the planet.  Everyone was so supportive and it made the two days in a pool hall actually manageable.   I'm not going to lie there were times that were difficult!  Particularly since Saturday began at 9am and I didn't get home until 12:30am.   The difficult times were simply about smelling the food that others around were ordering and damn it smelled good!   The Bar staff were excellent!  They helped me with ice and water for my shakes and NEVER, NOT ONCE did they look at me and ask why!  The Owner/Bartender was actually familiar with the program and took time out of her busy day and encouraged me to be strong and brave!  "You've got this" she said to me and honestly it was the most touching caring supportive words that I have heard from an acquaintance and they will resonate with me forever!  Annette, if you ever read this...THANK YOU, your kindness and support mattered!


Both of my teams were knocked out on Saturday leaving Sunday to recuperate and honestly it was a very good thing.    I needed to rest my body.  900 calories is good on most days but on days like Friday and Saturday when there is a lot of activity and not much rest...doing very little was welcome!


So a new week begins and I'm a little weirded out about my weekly meeting on Wednesday.  All I can think about is whether I will lose as much as I did last week and if I don't how will I react?  I KNOW and UNDERSTAND in my head that last week was probably not indicative of what is to come but in the past not losing/ or losing less and less as the "diet" progresses has always triggered defeat for me and returned me to eating uncontrollably.  I'm really working to change my mindset about the scale victories....they aren't the only good indicators that this is working!  I've received so many compliments that I'm glowing and that's likely because I actually feel really good!  I've cut my insulin in half and reduced medication by 4 pills a day!  Those Non-scale victories are so BIG and those are what make me smile when I look at a plate of chicken fingers and fries that someone else is eating knowing that this will likely never be a big part of my life again because I am choosing to learn and adopt better food choices for my future.


That's it for now...  Happy Monday all!  

Done and Done..... this Fat Girl is Fed Up!

Warning....this will be a long one!




This is the start of a very new chapter in my life.   About 9 months ago I finally decided that it was time to find a way to fix my world. 




 Let me explain....my world is in fact a really good one. I am a successful business woman with a job I love.  I have a Hubby I adore, I have three daughters that make me proud beyond belief, I have 4 grandkids that could not be cuter or more loved!  I have adoring parents, a brother and sister in law and two nieces that we are reconnecting with and this makes my heart soar!  I have a wonderful tribe of supportive and wonderful friends that I play pool with, laugh and love with! 


So what's to fix you ask? 




Like millions of others I struggle with addiction.  Many of my addictions I have been able to conquer or control.  I quit smoking a number of years ago- handled.   At one time I had a problem with gambling....never anything that would make me lose my home or kids but it had control over my life and made things unbearable at times.  Thankfully, with love and support from my husband we found ways to make the withdrawal more bearable and I can say today-handled.  


All my life I heard this...."You have such a pretty face...if only you could lose a little weight".   For me it was from the person that as a child I believed I loved most in the world...my Grandmaman.  My Grandmaman was a wonderful, strong, passionate woman.  She raised 7 children, ran a successful business and loved and cared for me every summer of my life while I was growing up and she did it by herself.   I LOVED THAT WOMAN!    Looking back I can see how that one sentence has played in my mind over and over every time I look in the mirror.  The problem was that pretty face had so much other bullshit going on underneath it.  Rebellious and struggling with real issues of my own, like many other people I found ways to cope in the inside of a fast food wrapper.   Making those choices led to weight gain and health issues that are currently plaguing me and it's time to make better choices!


Well back to nine months ago...I had heard about a program that non surgically assisted you in making some big changes and I asked my doctor to sign me up!  After many anxious months of waiting and some persistent calling and nagging I finally was starting the program.


So, what does this look like?   It looks like a lifetime of making better choices that will begin with me choosing to commit to 90 days of protein shakes and water.  Not another source of nourishment shall pass these lips until September. 


Today I'm one week into taking the shakes that will give me the kick start I need to get a substantial amount of weight off to begin with.  This, in conjunction with the doctor and nurses for monitoring my diabetes and over all general health, occupational therapists to provide insight and tips for managing day to day life, psychologists to deal with the reasons I make not great choices where food is concerned, nutritionists and dieticians for teaching us about how to do food right and a super optimistic group of people that are all going through the program with me.  Sounds extreme...not really!  To me this sounds like exactly what I need to start making some better choices.


This will be a very long journey into my very long future!  I'm pumped and  ready for this journey!


Week One belongs to Linda!  Down 8lbs!